You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
