you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
