so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
