my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
