i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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