her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
