how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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