I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
