He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
