you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
