If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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