Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
