i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
