I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
