i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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