I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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