the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
