a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
