I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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