I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
