the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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