Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
