when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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