just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
