Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Everyone says I win the strip club
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
