Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
