In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
