I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
