I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
