After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
