you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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