Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
