I puked a lego.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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