we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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