I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
