You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
