I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
