the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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