Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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