How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
