he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
