I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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