I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
