I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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