I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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