I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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