i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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