i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
