My Higher Power is John Stamos
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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