just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
