dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
