Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
