my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
