my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
