sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
