a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
