I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
