I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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