I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
