dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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