she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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